


Missing You

by BaletGir



Series: Scorose Without You Series [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Memories, Unrequited Love, relationship drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27534442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaletGir/pseuds/BaletGir
Summary: You don't love me like I want you to.
Relationships: Scorpius Malfoy/Rose Weasley
Series: Scorose Without You Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053008
Kudos: 12





	Missing You

_“Am I ever going to see you again?” I’m borderline frantic. I can feel myself getting to that needy and desperate place that I hate. I’ll regret this reaction later. I don’t want to let him go. I try to reach out for him, but I don’t trust myself to stand up._

_“Please, don’t do this,” Scorpius asks as he zips his pants. “I will write you,” he says as he picks his shirt up from the floor._

_“Do you mean that? Please don’t say things unless you mean them.” I’m a mess, and he can see it._

_“I love you, Rose,” he whispers, and my flat door closes behind him._

_I’m left alone, sitting on my bed in just a t-shirt. This time is different, I know it is. This isn’t just another dramatic exit of his, this is meant to be his true exit. I can feel myself falling apart. I crawl over to the other side of the bed, where Scorpius slept last night, holding me. I rest my head on the pillow that smells of him and let the tears come. I sob until I fall asleep._

\---

When you walked out two years ago, I think we both believed it was a final goodbye. We’d been casually dating for a year, and things were stuck. I think you liked it that way, but you knew I wasn’t happy. While it wasn’t the last goodbye, it was a different goodbye. Things seriously changed that day, but it wasn’t the end. Since then, we’ve lived in limbo, at least that’s what I would call it. After three years of dating, the last two have just been a passing of time. 

Two years feels like such a long time looking back, how have I put up with this for so long? In each moment, it was easy to say I was going to wait just one more month to see what happened. One more summer, then fall and winter. I figured we could only live in this cycle for so long, eventually something would have to change, for better or for worse. I didn’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t see it through. If I ended things, when there was still a sliver of hope, I felt I would wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of my life. 

I don’t think you’ve ever felt the pull of choosing between giving up and hope, something that I feel almost daily. I don’t know what you’d call this time period, maybe just life? I feel like that is how you look at things, as if this is just how it is. You believe that we should trust fate, but I think that is a cowardly approach.

\---

**_I miss you._ **

_I don’t recognize the owl that dropped it off, and there is no signature, but I know who it is from. I drop the parchment on the floor and sigh._

**_Okay, and?_ ** _I rip it up. I want to be in control of where this goes, but I can’t risk pushing him away again._

 **_I miss you too._ ** _I give the parchment to my owl,_ _Aphrodite_ _, before I lose my nerve. It has been three months since he said goodbye in my flat. We spoke once, about a week after._

 _Only two hours have passed when my owl returns with a note._ **_Floo?_ **

_I fluff out my hair and move to the couch in front of my fireplace. I don’t bother writing a response. I know he didn’t mean it as a question, more of a warning. I’m sure it hasn’t even crossed his mind that I might have other plans today. Part of me wishes I had a male friend over that he could catch me with._

_“Hey,” Scorpius says it as if no time has passed. He looks the same, at least the part of him that is floating in my fire looks the same._

_“Hey,” I don’t know what else to say. Actually, there is a lot I want to say, but I can’t get the words out._

_“I’m sorry we haven’t talked recently, things have been busy here, and I wanted to give us space like we talked about,” as if I’ve forgotten that conversation, as if I don’t have nightmares about it weekly._

_“I understand.” I don’t, but I guess I’ve decided to follow his lead and let him off the hook._

_“So, what are you wearing under that Holyhead Harpies jersey? Do I get to see?” And just like that he’s changed the subject and we run right over the just-friends line we had discussed._

\---

We’ve lived this never-ending cycle for too long. It’s always the same. It starts with letters, either I’ve found an excuse to reach out – moving to a new flat – or you’re bored or lonely or who knows what. Someone sends a nonchalant letter. We catch up, we flirt, things escalate. We continue in our little bubble, ignoring our real lives, the other people we’re dating, and the future. We act as if all we need and have is one another, and it is blissful while it lasts. 

During these times I dream of our future together. I know you do too. We support each other, we depend on each other, we lull ourselves into a place where it seems like we’re good together, meant for each other. We share everything, except our reality. We keep to letters and floos, rarely seeing one another in-person, it is easier to pretend that way.

\---

 **_Hey, do you have time to floo this week? We haven’t chatted face to face in awhile._ ** _I send Crunchy off with my letter. Scorpius has been a bit distant for the last week or so. His letters seem shorter and they take longer to get to me. I hope chatting face to face will help._

 _It takes two days, but unsurprisingly his response is_ **_Now?_ ** _I jump in front of the fireplace, perform a quick scorify on my clothes to make sure I look okay, and I wait._

_“Hey babe. You look good. How was work?” I can already tell we needed this, being face to face always helps, yet we rarely do it._

_“It was good, I’m traveling to Egypt next week to oversee a major curse breaking expedition. How are you?” I like when he asks about my work, it reminds me that he cares about me._

_“That sounds nice. I’ve just got some charity events this week.” I’m sure that means he’ll bring a date. I must remind myself to avoid the gossip magazines. “What are you doing right now?”_

_“Well, I was just thinking about having a bowl of cereal for dinner, absolutely thrilling, I know,” I respond._

_“Hmmm, what kind of milk?” He questions. We always get into these random conversations, I find them relaxing and normal._

_“2%, does it matter?” All I ever buy is 2%._

_“Oh, thank god, I could never live with someone who buys skim,” This is what he does. He just mentions a future where we live together, completely offhand._

_“Oh? And what type of cereal would we have living together?”_

\---

And then the bubble bursts. You pick a fight, it always starts with you picking a fight. You push my buttons on purpose until I say or do something to push you over the edge, to justify your next move. You shut down. You push me right back out of your life as if none of it mattered. 

I’ve learned that this is just what you do, you do it with your father when you can’t handle his pain from losing your mother. You shut him out for days (sometimes weeks) at a time. I’ve told myself this means you do it to those you love most, that it means you trust me to understand. It isn’t just me, it is simply who you are. 

\---

 **_Can we floo this week? I’m kind of stressed out and could use a distraction_ ** _, I send_ _Aphrodite_ _on his way with yet another note. Things have been good lately, and some flirty floo time is just what I need to get my mind off work. Maybe I can even convince you to come over, I know inter-country floo is challenging, but you work at the French ministry, I’m sure you could make it happen._

 **_I’m not sure_** _, I hate vague responses more than a flat no._

 **_Do you have a busy week? I’m free after work Tuesday, anytime. Please?_ ** _I miss him so much and work has been stressful lately. I need this. I’ve been there for him a lot lately, I’m always available when he wants me, and patient when he doesn’t. I deserve this._

 **_I might have plans with friends Tuesday._ ** _Might? Is he really doing this?_

 **_Then make plans with me for another day. I’m your friend too, we’re allowed to make plans. Things don’t always have to be last minute._ ** _I’m not backing down._

 **_Don’t pressure me. I have a life here. It is different. We’ll floo when we floo. I’ll let you know when I’m free._ ** _I rip up his letter as soon as I read it. I’m frustrated that I’m letting him treat me this way. I don’t respond._

 _On Tuesday, I send him a letter._ **_Did you end up making those plans for tonight or…._ **

**_Leave me alone,_ ** _and that’s the last letter I’ll get for a while._

_\---_

Every time you push me away, I question if it is real this time. The first few times, I was heartbroken and devastated, believing it was the end. Once I understood the cycle we created, I calmed down, I took it as it came. It still crossed my mind that it might be the end, but the hope of the cycle lingered. I am always living at your whims. I’m never the one to push you away, I’m never the one to ignore letters.

I have a good life. I have a great job, I have friends and family that care about me. I’m a strong, independent woman. I don’t need you. Right? I don’t think you’ll ever stop this cycle, it has to be me. I’m your security blanket, you can run to me when you need me, but you can leave me behind when you don’t. I need to stop this, it is killing me. How will I ever move on if I’m always expecting one more letter?


End file.
